Back to School

So this is something that I have wanted to write about for some time. It is extremely personal and I am going to share some things that most people, including my family don't know about me. I'm not writing this so that people feel bad for me. I'm writing this partly as therapy for me and mostly because I hope I can inspire others who are going through hard things.

I'm going to start by saying that I suffer from very severe depression. I also have really bad anxiety. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember, but I tried to hide because I was embarrassed by it. I did a pretty good job managing it until college.

I honestly have no idea why college brought out the worst of my depression and anxiety. I absolutely LOVE to learn. I get so excited to learn, but for some reason I have the hardest time with school. I still have no idea why. The only thing I can think of is that if I can't do something perfectly then I just give up. That doesn't work so well with school work... Anyway for 4 years I really struggled with school. I only let those closest to me see my struggle. And it scared them. It scared me too. There were days that I could barely manage to get out of bed. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and anorexia. Luckily with the help of very dear friends and most of all my Savior, I overcame those. The depression and anxiety didn't leave though.

I basically gave up on school. I didn't want to be a quitter though so I took 2 years off. That was probably the best decision of my life. I was able to focus on getting better and on things that truly made me happy. I was teaching dance, making lots of friends, building my faith, and of course marrying my best friend in the entire world. Life was good again. Now I'm not going to lie and say that life was easy. Definitely not. I still have bouts of depression that put me in bed for a few days. And I still have anxiety attacks that worry my poor husband so bad that he thinks he needs to take me to the hospital because I stop breathing. No my struggle is not over, but it is manageable. I can actually live a normal life.

Now I am faced with a challenge that seems impossible to me. I am going back to school to finish up my last year. To say that I am terrified would be an understatement. I relate school with the darkest time in my entire life. It was my own personal version of hell. And now I'm going back. This decision did not come easily. The main reason I'm doing this is for my kids. I want to be an example to them. That is my motivation for going back. Luckily I have the best husband in the world. He is so supportive and will let me cry and panic about writing essays when I need to and he will celebrate with me when I write that essay. He doesn't make me feel stupid for having such a hard time with this. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Today I have an audition for one of BYU's ballet companies. Today my journey officially begins. I am usually so good with auditions. They don't scare me at all. In fact I love them. I think they are so much fun. But not this one. I am petrified with fear. You see, I haven't danced for 2 years. For you non dancers, that is an eternity. And now I will be expected to dance at the same level as people who have not taken any break, plus they are like 6 years younger than me so their bodies aren't starting to shut down. I wish there was some way I could avoid this. I feel like I am going to be judged on something so personal to me. It is not just about my ability to dance. It is about my entire struggle. And if I get rejected, which let's face it is most likely, I will feel like I have been judged because of everything I have gone through. I know it's not true, but that's how it feels to me. I keep looking at the clock as the time draws closer and I am filled with dread. But I need to do this. I will do this.

The only reason I am able to go to the audition today and face the rigors of school that begin next week is because of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through His atonement that I am receiving strength beyond my own. I know that the Lord will strengthen me to bear up my burdens with ease. These burdens are not being taken away from me, they don't need to be. But I do not have to carry my load alone. I pray that the Lord will help me today and for the rest of this year as I do what He wants me to do. I echo the words of Elder David A. Bednar that he spoke in this last General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power."

The things I have shared are extremely personal. Those of you reading this may not understand my struggle. School might have been so easy for you. But it's not for me. Don't judge me. You will have your own struggle. Please rely on the Lord. It is only through Him that we can be lifted up and given strength.

Faith in the Lord

My husband, Brendan, and I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants together and have been impressed with how often the Lord commands us to put our trust in Him and not seek after things of this world. We have had many discussions about this idea and come to the conclusion that this is so hard and scary to do!! One of the most common thoughts in our discussions is if the Lord is saying this to the early saints who have next to nothing and to whom we look to as great examples of faith, how much more do we need this counsel in our day?!

It is a terrifying thought to think about not worrying about where our next paycheck is going to come from and just spend all our time and efforts in furthering the work of the Lord. Another common theme in our discussions is how do we find the balance of trying to be responsible and provide for our family and relying wholly on the Lord? Is there a balance that we need to find? I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. For us, we don't have a lot in terms of temporal things, but we have more than enough to meet our needs. We truly want to do as the Lord has commanded and not worry about making a ton of money. So what if we don't have a tv or our kids won't have all the latest gadgets? We want to follow the Lord. Of course we still work and do all that we can to make sure we are being responsible, but we don't have that as our first priority.

This is so much easier said than done. I can't even begin to tell you how many panic attacks I've had at the grocery store because I hate spending money. I am constantly worried about finances. It has come to the point where I tell Brendan that if he needs something that I trust him and he just can't tell me how much it is costing us. I am sure that things will just get worse when we start our family. I pray that the Lord will strengthen me and see my willingness to try, even when I fail over and over. I want to have faith in my Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that he will bless us as we put His work and His glory before the things of this world.

Painting at the top is by my incredible husband, Brendan Clary. If you want a print check out brendanclaryart.com or just let me know!