Baby Clary

Brendan and I are so excited to announce that we are having a baby!!! Our baby is due February 6, 2016 and we can't wait to be parents!!

Pretty much since we got married I was baby hungry, but we as a couple weren't ready. Then in July of 2014 we both started feeling like it just might be the right time. We fasted and prayed about our decision and both felt a confirming answer: it was time for us to become parents. And with that we started trying. We were trying for about 9 months and each month was so hard to get that negative answer. I know so many women who have gone years and years without getting pregnant so I know 9 months really isn't that long in comparison, but it was still hard. Luckily I had an amazing support system made up of my husband, mom, and of course my Savior. We didn't tell anyone else because we wanted it to be a surprise.

In April, we were listening to General Conference and there was a lot of emphasis on family. That was so hard for me, but at the same time I'm happy that these things are being said because they are the very reasons I want so badly to have a child. Brendan came home from priesthood session and told me that he had a very strong impression that we should tell our families what was going on. We felt that there is power in combined prayers and faith. We also felt that the people closest to us should be a part of such a great miracle. There were lots of tears and hugs and words of comfort from both sides. Each time we saw our family after that there were lots more hugs and we felt so loved during this time. That month was another negative result, but I wasn't distressed like I normally got. I felt the power of the faith and prayers in my behalf. I am so grateful for our families and the love and strength we received from them.

Then finally in May it happened! I didn't know until May 31 so I still had to go through a Mother's Day thinking that I might not ever be a mother. That was hard, but again our families reached out with love and made it a little bit easier. Brendan's cute nieces kept telling me that I was still a mom because my babies were in heaven just waiting to come down. And my cute sister in law told me that I am like a second mom to her 2 girls.

Like I said, I found out on May 31 that I was pregnant. It was a Sunday and I was just laying in bed so nervous to take the test. Brendan was up and getting ready because he had to go to a meeting. He saw that I was upset about something so he asked what was wrong. I told him that I could take the test. He asked if I was going to take it before church or not because he didn't want me to be upset at church if it was negative again. I told him that I couldn't wait that long so I would take it before. He kissed me and left. I took the test and tried to stay calm. There were 2 pink lines!!! I was pregnant! I immediately started crying my eyes out and dropped to my knees to give thanks to my Father in Heaven. I met Brendan at the church in the chapel. He knew as soon as he saw my face what the answer was. He just kept saying "really?" and I could tell that he was a little emotional about it. We both sat through church the happiest people in the world!

We face timed with my parents as soon as we got back because they were going on a trip and I had to tell my mom immediately! Then we had to figure out how to tell Brendan's family because we were going over there for Sunday dinner. We were celebrating Brendan's mom's birthday so we decided to write something in the card. Brendan came up with this little gem:

We sat all through dinner and cake eating without spilling the beans and it was totally worth it to get a priceless reaction. I'll post the video when I can get it to work.

We wanted to tell my family all together but they were being pains in the you know what and not getting together so we told them each individually. We face timed with my little sister and her husband. Then at Sunday dinner we told one of my brothers by attempting to stick a note onto their youngest that said "I'm not going to be the baby anymore" because he is the youngest grandchild. It didn't really stick... but they eventually found it and figured it out. And then we told my oldest brother by going to their house and just telling them.

Anyway I'm 13 weeks along and almost to my 2nd trimester. I have been super sick and I cannot wait for the morning sickness to be over. I don't throw up much but I feel like death all day long. And it just gets worse and worse as the day goes on. Oh well! This baby will be so worth it!! I have started showing a little bit which is super weird and kinda not so fun when I'm used to being skinny, but also way exciting!

We are so happy and excited and nervous and every other emotion you can think of, but most of all we are so grateful that Heavenly Father has trusted us with one of His precious children. I am especially grateful for the most caring and supportive husband in the entire world. This hasn't been easy on him either as he waits on me hand and foot. We can't wait until February!!!

Prayer

I have been thinking about prayer recently and I just wanted to put some of my thoughts down in words. I am so grateful for the gift we have been given of personal prayer. We have the opportunity to speak with our Heavenly Father whenever we want. God is all powerful, all knowing and He wants ME to talk with HIM. I should feel intimidated by that thought, but instead I feel peaceful and humbled. I feel an immense amount of gratitude. This shows me just how much Heavenly Father loves me and cares for me. I know that I am His daughter and He wants to hear from me.

I know that my prayers have been answered. Some of my prayers have been answered instantly and those instances are a lot easier to have faith in the power of prayer. However, most of my prayers have been answered over time and in ways that I didn't really understand when it happened. It is only through looking back on my life that I can see the blessings that have been poured out upon me because I have taken the leap of faith to pray. I know that Heavenly Father hears my prayers and that He loves me enough to answer them in the way that is best for me. 

What I Believe

A couple days ago I had an experience completely new to me. Many others have experienced this before, but I had not. My husband and I were out with the sister missionaries and we started talking to a woman who walked past us. This woman was anti-mormon. I have never met anyone who was anti-mormon before. I have met plenty of people who are not members of the church, some of my very best friends growing up are not members. That is just fine with me because we respect each other. Needless to say, my experience with someone who is anti-mormon shook me up quite a bit.

As we were talking to this woman, the missionaries and my husband were trying to explain our beliefs to the best of their ability. They had all been confronted with this before. I pretty much just stood there and said nothing. I didn't know what to say. I felt like in her eyes I was subhuman for the things that she thinks I believe in. I don't understand. And yes I did just say what she thinks I believe in because it was very obvious that she had a very twisted version of the truth. Anyway, I don't want to go into everything that was said or done that day. I will just say that the spirit was not there and I was so glad that the sister missionaries could feel that to and so they promptly ended the conversation. There was no joy or peace at that time. The comfort and gladness that comes from the Spirit of the Lord was gone and I wanted, no I needed it back.

Basically all day I was pretty upset by what had happened. I must be super sensitive. I talked and cried with my husband about it and he helped me to cope with what I had just been through. This might seem silly to some people, but once again I say that I have never been full on attacked or persecuted for what I believe. This was new to me. I have been teased or questioned about my beliefs and that is something I can handle. Persecution is harder.

Anyway, today I read a talk by Elder Neil L. Andersen entitled "Joseph Smith." It was given in this last session of general conference. More than just telling the story of Joseph Smith, he talks about how Joseph's name will be had for both good and evil. He talked about how people will persecute you for believing that Joseph Smith restored the gospel. He talked about how we can answer people who have sincere and honest questions. The whole talk was absolutely beautiful and absolutely what I needed to hear.

I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet a of God. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Lord's church on earth today. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet. Most of all I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior. My relationship with Him is the most precious and sacred part of my whole life. To those who have questions about what I believe in, do not look to the internet or those who have left the church. Ask those who believe. This is the only way to know what we know.

Anniversary and Stake Conference

This weekend we celebrated our first anniversary! I can't believe it has been a year already! And what a wonderful year it has been. I am so grateful for my husband and all that he does for me. I seriously have the sweetest husband in the entire world! He is always so willing to do whatever I ask of him. I am especially grateful for how close he is to the Spirit. It brings a great peace into our home.

To celebrate we went to Park City and spent Friday night up there just hanging out and having fun. We went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. We didn't like it. And we ate some pizza! Wahoo! Unfortunately we had to come back to real life early on Saturday. Boo homework! Oh well! It was a nice little get away!

This weekend was also Stake Conference. I really enjoyed the messages that were given and the spirit that was present. And something crazy happened. The visiting authority, Elder Bourne, wanted me to come up and bear my testimony. Scary! We had met him briefly at the Saturday evening session so that's how he knew me. Then Sunday right before the meeting started the Stake President told me that I was going to be invited up to bear my testimony. So luckily I had an hour to prepare myself. It was a really cool experience. I could tell that the Lord was with me because I wasn't terrified like I thought I would be. I was intimidated and nervous, but not scared.

Back to School

So this is something that I have wanted to write about for some time. It is extremely personal and I am going to share some things that most people, including my family don't know about me. I'm not writing this so that people feel bad for me. I'm writing this partly as therapy for me and mostly because I hope I can inspire others who are going through hard things.

I'm going to start by saying that I suffer from very severe depression. I also have really bad anxiety. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember, but I tried to hide because I was embarrassed by it. I did a pretty good job managing it until college.

I honestly have no idea why college brought out the worst of my depression and anxiety. I absolutely LOVE to learn. I get so excited to learn, but for some reason I have the hardest time with school. I still have no idea why. The only thing I can think of is that if I can't do something perfectly then I just give up. That doesn't work so well with school work... Anyway for 4 years I really struggled with school. I only let those closest to me see my struggle. And it scared them. It scared me too. There were days that I could barely manage to get out of bed. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and anorexia. Luckily with the help of very dear friends and most of all my Savior, I overcame those. The depression and anxiety didn't leave though.

I basically gave up on school. I didn't want to be a quitter though so I took 2 years off. That was probably the best decision of my life. I was able to focus on getting better and on things that truly made me happy. I was teaching dance, making lots of friends, building my faith, and of course marrying my best friend in the entire world. Life was good again. Now I'm not going to lie and say that life was easy. Definitely not. I still have bouts of depression that put me in bed for a few days. And I still have anxiety attacks that worry my poor husband so bad that he thinks he needs to take me to the hospital because I stop breathing. No my struggle is not over, but it is manageable. I can actually live a normal life.

Now I am faced with a challenge that seems impossible to me. I am going back to school to finish up my last year. To say that I am terrified would be an understatement. I relate school with the darkest time in my entire life. It was my own personal version of hell. And now I'm going back. This decision did not come easily. The main reason I'm doing this is for my kids. I want to be an example to them. That is my motivation for going back. Luckily I have the best husband in the world. He is so supportive and will let me cry and panic about writing essays when I need to and he will celebrate with me when I write that essay. He doesn't make me feel stupid for having such a hard time with this. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Today I have an audition for one of BYU's ballet companies. Today my journey officially begins. I am usually so good with auditions. They don't scare me at all. In fact I love them. I think they are so much fun. But not this one. I am petrified with fear. You see, I haven't danced for 2 years. For you non dancers, that is an eternity. And now I will be expected to dance at the same level as people who have not taken any break, plus they are like 6 years younger than me so their bodies aren't starting to shut down. I wish there was some way I could avoid this. I feel like I am going to be judged on something so personal to me. It is not just about my ability to dance. It is about my entire struggle. And if I get rejected, which let's face it is most likely, I will feel like I have been judged because of everything I have gone through. I know it's not true, but that's how it feels to me. I keep looking at the clock as the time draws closer and I am filled with dread. But I need to do this. I will do this.

The only reason I am able to go to the audition today and face the rigors of school that begin next week is because of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through His atonement that I am receiving strength beyond my own. I know that the Lord will strengthen me to bear up my burdens with ease. These burdens are not being taken away from me, they don't need to be. But I do not have to carry my load alone. I pray that the Lord will help me today and for the rest of this year as I do what He wants me to do. I echo the words of Elder David A. Bednar that he spoke in this last General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power."

The things I have shared are extremely personal. Those of you reading this may not understand my struggle. School might have been so easy for you. But it's not for me. Don't judge me. You will have your own struggle. Please rely on the Lord. It is only through Him that we can be lifted up and given strength.

Faith in the Lord

My husband, Brendan, and I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants together and have been impressed with how often the Lord commands us to put our trust in Him and not seek after things of this world. We have had many discussions about this idea and come to the conclusion that this is so hard and scary to do!! One of the most common thoughts in our discussions is if the Lord is saying this to the early saints who have next to nothing and to whom we look to as great examples of faith, how much more do we need this counsel in our day?!

It is a terrifying thought to think about not worrying about where our next paycheck is going to come from and just spend all our time and efforts in furthering the work of the Lord. Another common theme in our discussions is how do we find the balance of trying to be responsible and provide for our family and relying wholly on the Lord? Is there a balance that we need to find? I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. For us, we don't have a lot in terms of temporal things, but we have more than enough to meet our needs. We truly want to do as the Lord has commanded and not worry about making a ton of money. So what if we don't have a tv or our kids won't have all the latest gadgets? We want to follow the Lord. Of course we still work and do all that we can to make sure we are being responsible, but we don't have that as our first priority.

This is so much easier said than done. I can't even begin to tell you how many panic attacks I've had at the grocery store because I hate spending money. I am constantly worried about finances. It has come to the point where I tell Brendan that if he needs something that I trust him and he just can't tell me how much it is costing us. I am sure that things will just get worse when we start our family. I pray that the Lord will strengthen me and see my willingness to try, even when I fail over and over. I want to have faith in my Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that he will bless us as we put His work and His glory before the things of this world.

Painting at the top is by my incredible husband, Brendan Clary. If you want a print check out brendanclaryart.com or just let me know!

Rantings of a Dance Teacher

Lately there have been somethings about my job that have just driven me absolutely crazy and I need to just rant about them for a little bit. Please keep in mind that I really do LOVE my job and I LOVE my students! They are all so cute and so sweet! But no job is perfect so here are my ramblings.

1. Students being late to class. When did this become acceptable?? And usually it's because they are changing their clothes. Have they never thought to wear their ballet clothes underneath their other dance clothes? I don't care that it's hot! I did it growing up so I know it really isn't that bad. Besides that, you are dancers, quick changes are a part of life! It does not take 10 minutes to change your clothes. It should take 2 minutes tops. Also, believe it or not, I am actually very lenient on letting you into class late. My policy is that if they are more than 15 minutes late, they don't dance. That is for THEIR safety. If they aren't properly warm, they are more likely to get injured. Yes I understand that sometimes they get out of school 15 minutes before class starts. That's why I am extremely lenient. My teacher wouldn't let you take class if you were 30 seconds late! I remember having to wear my ballet clothes underneath my school clothes with my hair in a bun so that I was ready to go. And my mom would have a snack for me in the car. It can be done people!! Good heavens, be on time! And don't be upset if you have to sit out of class. It is for your safety!!!!

2. Stretching. Oh dancers and their stretching. Basically I am the queen of stretching. It is my all time favorite thing to do in class. However, what I don't understand is why students feel the need to stretch in order to stretch... I seriously get this all the time. I'll say that it's time to stretch and they will say "I'm not stretched!" I just look at them and say "That's why we're stretching..." We stretch so that you can get stretched. You don't have to stretch in order to stretch. You need to be warm in order to stretch. Which leads me to my other grievance about stretching. PLEASE warm yourself up before you stretch!!!!! You are putting yourself in a very dangerous situation if you are not warm before you drop down into your splits. Also what I don't understand is how can you possibly not be warm after doing a full barre??? No joke. I was explaining to my students why we stretch after barre, because they need to be warm before they stretch. Then I told them to get into their stretch. I had a couple students say that they weren't warm. I could not believe it!! They just did a full barre! What were you doing for the last 45 minutes??? I just told them that meant that they didn't work hard enough. They didn't believe me... Which leads me to...

3. Don't argue with me! I am the teacher, you are the student. What happened to RESPECT???? I have literally had students telling me that I was wrong in class. Little 10 year olds! Mostly about the stretching thing. Maybe I should have them read the 10 page paper I wrote about the topic that several of my professors think I should publish. I promise I have done my research. However, I am not a proud person. I will admit if I don't know something and I will admit if I was wrong. But whatever the case may be, don't argue with your teacher. If you disagree or have a question, I am more than willing to discuss it with you after class.

4. Complaining. Why do students think that if they complain I'm not going to make them do it? If anything, that makes me want you do it even more. I have some classes that just have to tell me that everything hurts. I know. It's ballet. Ballet hurts. The best is when they say "Well then why don't you do it??" I just say "I have. For 20 years." Oh brother! Here's then thing. I really don't care that something hurts. I care if you have an injury. Please, please, please tell me before class if you have an injury!!! I do not want to injure you further. But please, please, please don't tell me that something hurts. I know it does. I do not need 20 of you telling me.

5. Tilts. There is nothing more disgusting in the entire world than what has happened to tilts. This is for the teachers. Can we please not teach tilts incorrectly??? This whole turned in leg, butt sticking out, crotch to the audience thing must go!! It screams bad technique all over the place!! A tilt is a battement in second with your body tilted over. Yes this is harder to do. Welcome to dance! Dance is hard! But I know from personal experience that students can do this! Sure they don't all look the same, but at least they are doing it right! I was teaching my students last night who have not been corrupted by other sources how to do tilts properly. It was so great!! Most of them this is their first year of dance so they don't look super great doing it yet, but at least they had proper technique. Turn out, butts in line, no crotch shots. It was beautiful!!

Ok. That's all my rantings for now. Like I said before, I promise that I LOVE my job and my students. I think that if I didn't love them them so much then I really wouldn't care about all these things. I want to help them become the best dancers and people possible. It is the most rewarding thing in the world when I see my students succeed in the classroom and when parents tell me that they can see their kids blossoming as people as well. Literally brings me to tears. I love my job. I love my students. I am so privileged to be able to work these young children everyday. They are absolutely incredible.