Back to School

So this is something that I have wanted to write about for some time. It is extremely personal and I am going to share some things that most people, including my family don't know about me. I'm not writing this so that people feel bad for me. I'm writing this partly as therapy for me and mostly because I hope I can inspire others who are going through hard things.

I'm going to start by saying that I suffer from very severe depression. I also have really bad anxiety. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember, but I tried to hide because I was embarrassed by it. I did a pretty good job managing it until college.

I honestly have no idea why college brought out the worst of my depression and anxiety. I absolutely LOVE to learn. I get so excited to learn, but for some reason I have the hardest time with school. I still have no idea why. The only thing I can think of is that if I can't do something perfectly then I just give up. That doesn't work so well with school work... Anyway for 4 years I really struggled with school. I only let those closest to me see my struggle. And it scared them. It scared me too. There were days that I could barely manage to get out of bed. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and anorexia. Luckily with the help of very dear friends and most of all my Savior, I overcame those. The depression and anxiety didn't leave though.

I basically gave up on school. I didn't want to be a quitter though so I took 2 years off. That was probably the best decision of my life. I was able to focus on getting better and on things that truly made me happy. I was teaching dance, making lots of friends, building my faith, and of course marrying my best friend in the entire world. Life was good again. Now I'm not going to lie and say that life was easy. Definitely not. I still have bouts of depression that put me in bed for a few days. And I still have anxiety attacks that worry my poor husband so bad that he thinks he needs to take me to the hospital because I stop breathing. No my struggle is not over, but it is manageable. I can actually live a normal life.

Now I am faced with a challenge that seems impossible to me. I am going back to school to finish up my last year. To say that I am terrified would be an understatement. I relate school with the darkest time in my entire life. It was my own personal version of hell. And now I'm going back. This decision did not come easily. The main reason I'm doing this is for my kids. I want to be an example to them. That is my motivation for going back. Luckily I have the best husband in the world. He is so supportive and will let me cry and panic about writing essays when I need to and he will celebrate with me when I write that essay. He doesn't make me feel stupid for having such a hard time with this. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Today I have an audition for one of BYU's ballet companies. Today my journey officially begins. I am usually so good with auditions. They don't scare me at all. In fact I love them. I think they are so much fun. But not this one. I am petrified with fear. You see, I haven't danced for 2 years. For you non dancers, that is an eternity. And now I will be expected to dance at the same level as people who have not taken any break, plus they are like 6 years younger than me so their bodies aren't starting to shut down. I wish there was some way I could avoid this. I feel like I am going to be judged on something so personal to me. It is not just about my ability to dance. It is about my entire struggle. And if I get rejected, which let's face it is most likely, I will feel like I have been judged because of everything I have gone through. I know it's not true, but that's how it feels to me. I keep looking at the clock as the time draws closer and I am filled with dread. But I need to do this. I will do this.

The only reason I am able to go to the audition today and face the rigors of school that begin next week is because of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through His atonement that I am receiving strength beyond my own. I know that the Lord will strengthen me to bear up my burdens with ease. These burdens are not being taken away from me, they don't need to be. But I do not have to carry my load alone. I pray that the Lord will help me today and for the rest of this year as I do what He wants me to do. I echo the words of Elder David A. Bednar that he spoke in this last General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power."

The things I have shared are extremely personal. Those of you reading this may not understand my struggle. School might have been so easy for you. But it's not for me. Don't judge me. You will have your own struggle. Please rely on the Lord. It is only through Him that we can be lifted up and given strength.

Faith in the Lord

My husband, Brendan, and I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants together and have been impressed with how often the Lord commands us to put our trust in Him and not seek after things of this world. We have had many discussions about this idea and come to the conclusion that this is so hard and scary to do!! One of the most common thoughts in our discussions is if the Lord is saying this to the early saints who have next to nothing and to whom we look to as great examples of faith, how much more do we need this counsel in our day?!

It is a terrifying thought to think about not worrying about where our next paycheck is going to come from and just spend all our time and efforts in furthering the work of the Lord. Another common theme in our discussions is how do we find the balance of trying to be responsible and provide for our family and relying wholly on the Lord? Is there a balance that we need to find? I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. For us, we don't have a lot in terms of temporal things, but we have more than enough to meet our needs. We truly want to do as the Lord has commanded and not worry about making a ton of money. So what if we don't have a tv or our kids won't have all the latest gadgets? We want to follow the Lord. Of course we still work and do all that we can to make sure we are being responsible, but we don't have that as our first priority.

This is so much easier said than done. I can't even begin to tell you how many panic attacks I've had at the grocery store because I hate spending money. I am constantly worried about finances. It has come to the point where I tell Brendan that if he needs something that I trust him and he just can't tell me how much it is costing us. I am sure that things will just get worse when we start our family. I pray that the Lord will strengthen me and see my willingness to try, even when I fail over and over. I want to have faith in my Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that he will bless us as we put His work and His glory before the things of this world.

Painting at the top is by my incredible husband, Brendan Clary. If you want a print check out brendanclaryart.com or just let me know!

Rantings of a Dance Teacher

Lately there have been somethings about my job that have just driven me absolutely crazy and I need to just rant about them for a little bit. Please keep in mind that I really do LOVE my job and I LOVE my students! They are all so cute and so sweet! But no job is perfect so here are my ramblings.

1. Students being late to class. When did this become acceptable?? And usually it's because they are changing their clothes. Have they never thought to wear their ballet clothes underneath their other dance clothes? I don't care that it's hot! I did it growing up so I know it really isn't that bad. Besides that, you are dancers, quick changes are a part of life! It does not take 10 minutes to change your clothes. It should take 2 minutes tops. Also, believe it or not, I am actually very lenient on letting you into class late. My policy is that if they are more than 15 minutes late, they don't dance. That is for THEIR safety. If they aren't properly warm, they are more likely to get injured. Yes I understand that sometimes they get out of school 15 minutes before class starts. That's why I am extremely lenient. My teacher wouldn't let you take class if you were 30 seconds late! I remember having to wear my ballet clothes underneath my school clothes with my hair in a bun so that I was ready to go. And my mom would have a snack for me in the car. It can be done people!! Good heavens, be on time! And don't be upset if you have to sit out of class. It is for your safety!!!!

2. Stretching. Oh dancers and their stretching. Basically I am the queen of stretching. It is my all time favorite thing to do in class. However, what I don't understand is why students feel the need to stretch in order to stretch... I seriously get this all the time. I'll say that it's time to stretch and they will say "I'm not stretched!" I just look at them and say "That's why we're stretching..." We stretch so that you can get stretched. You don't have to stretch in order to stretch. You need to be warm in order to stretch. Which leads me to my other grievance about stretching. PLEASE warm yourself up before you stretch!!!!! You are putting yourself in a very dangerous situation if you are not warm before you drop down into your splits. Also what I don't understand is how can you possibly not be warm after doing a full barre??? No joke. I was explaining to my students why we stretch after barre, because they need to be warm before they stretch. Then I told them to get into their stretch. I had a couple students say that they weren't warm. I could not believe it!! They just did a full barre! What were you doing for the last 45 minutes??? I just told them that meant that they didn't work hard enough. They didn't believe me... Which leads me to...

3. Don't argue with me! I am the teacher, you are the student. What happened to RESPECT???? I have literally had students telling me that I was wrong in class. Little 10 year olds! Mostly about the stretching thing. Maybe I should have them read the 10 page paper I wrote about the topic that several of my professors think I should publish. I promise I have done my research. However, I am not a proud person. I will admit if I don't know something and I will admit if I was wrong. But whatever the case may be, don't argue with your teacher. If you disagree or have a question, I am more than willing to discuss it with you after class.

4. Complaining. Why do students think that if they complain I'm not going to make them do it? If anything, that makes me want you do it even more. I have some classes that just have to tell me that everything hurts. I know. It's ballet. Ballet hurts. The best is when they say "Well then why don't you do it??" I just say "I have. For 20 years." Oh brother! Here's then thing. I really don't care that something hurts. I care if you have an injury. Please, please, please tell me before class if you have an injury!!! I do not want to injure you further. But please, please, please don't tell me that something hurts. I know it does. I do not need 20 of you telling me.

5. Tilts. There is nothing more disgusting in the entire world than what has happened to tilts. This is for the teachers. Can we please not teach tilts incorrectly??? This whole turned in leg, butt sticking out, crotch to the audience thing must go!! It screams bad technique all over the place!! A tilt is a battement in second with your body tilted over. Yes this is harder to do. Welcome to dance! Dance is hard! But I know from personal experience that students can do this! Sure they don't all look the same, but at least they are doing it right! I was teaching my students last night who have not been corrupted by other sources how to do tilts properly. It was so great!! Most of them this is their first year of dance so they don't look super great doing it yet, but at least they had proper technique. Turn out, butts in line, no crotch shots. It was beautiful!!

Ok. That's all my rantings for now. Like I said before, I promise that I LOVE my job and my students. I think that if I didn't love them them so much then I really wouldn't care about all these things. I want to help them become the best dancers and people possible. It is the most rewarding thing in the world when I see my students succeed in the classroom and when parents tell me that they can see their kids blossoming as people as well. Literally brings me to tears. I love my job. I love my students. I am so privileged to be able to work these young children everyday. They are absolutely incredible.

Thanksgiving

So I thought maybe I should write a little about Thanksgiving before Christmas comes around in 6 days!!! Especially because I'm not a fan of Thanksgiving getting neglected. I think that has to do with the fact that I love my family history and part of that includes the First Thanksgiving!

This was our first Thanksgiving as a married couple! We spent it with my family down in Mapleton. It was the first time that everybody had their significant other with them. YAY! We had so much fun playing, eating, and laughing together. Here are some of the highlights.

First, the boys and me and Munch went out to the park to play a little frisbee golf. Mom, Leesy, and Janice were inside cooking and supposedly watching the kids. Long story short, I got hit with a frisbee and so I went inside after a little while. As I was walking in the front door, I see Connor (4), Millie (3), and Carter (2) putting their shoes on. They told me that they were going to the ladybug park (a park on the other side of my parents neighborhood). I didn't think much of it until I realized they were heading out the door and my mom wasn't anywhere to be seen. I then had the following conversation with Connor:
Me: "Is Grandma taking you?"
Connor: "No, she's cooking."
Me: "Is mommy taking you?"
Connor: "No."
Me: "Does anybody know you're going?"
Connor: "No."
Me: "Maybe we should tell mommy where we're going."
I thought it was so funny that these cute little kids were going to go to the ladybug park all by themselves, even Carter, as Connor puts it. Glad I decided to go in when I did or else we would have had 3 lost little children. Little cuties!

Second, we played Rollick. This is like charades, but only one person guesses and everybody else on the team acts it out. It's so much fun! And so funny! I would have to say that the funniest moment was when Steve (my sister's fiancé) and I had to act out spaghetti. We were twirling our forks and Munch wasn't getting it. Then we both had the same idea at the same time: Lady and the Tramp! But of course we didn't want to act that out... We tried our best without getting very close to each other. Everybody except Munch knew what we were doing so everybody was laughing really hard.

Third, Carter went around eating everybody's left over pie. Which might not be too funny by itself, but just the way he was doing it was super funny. Here's some pictures to show just how cute he was eating the pie! I love that kid!

Well that was our Thanksgiving! I loved spending time with my family! They are the absolute best! Can't wait for Christmas so we can party all over again!

Jackson Hole Honeymoon

So basically our honeymoon was awesome!! We had so much fun! First of all we stayed in the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake for 2 nights. We had the Romeo and Juliet room which was AMAZING!! It had a big balcony in the room that was where the bed was. It was just gorgeous! We didn't want to leave!

On Sunday we decided that we would drive until we found a church that was having 1:00 church. So we get in the car and start driving. How hard could it be to find a church in Utah, right? Well let me tell you, it was hard!!! We drove and drove and drove until we finally found one. But it was a singles ward and they didn't start until 1:45. So we get in our car and drive some more. Again we drove and drove and drove until we finally found a church. We walk in and it is once again a singles ward... Oh great... But it was already 1 so we decided just to go with it. So I'm sitting in Relief Society and I look over and guess who's sitting there! Our old Stake President! That's right, on our honeymoon we went to a singles ward in our old stake. At least it wasn't our old ward... But still! It was so funny!

Then we were off to Jackson, Wyoming! On the way up there we stopped in Rexburg so that Brendan could show me where he spent 4 years of his life. He showed me the art classrooms, where he used to live, and where he taught seminary. He really loves Rexburg and was so excited to show me everything.

Everywhere we drove, Brendan wanted to take pictures so that he could paint them later. It was so gorgeous so I don't blame him! It took us about 3 times as long to get anywhere but I really didn't mind at all! It was so much fun to look at the beautiful scenery, drive around, and especially to see Brendan get so excited! Every 5 minutes he would say "Oh Man," stop the car and start taking pictures. I'm not exaggerating either. Every 5 minutes, if that!! It was so cute! And so much fun!

Mostly we went to a lot of art galleries up there. Luckily, Brendan is studying with an incredible artist who is very well known up there so the owners were happy to talk to us and give us some advice. It was so nice of them to take time out of their day and talk to us! We know they wouldn't have if it weren't for Brother Whitaker. We are so grateful for the opportunities he is giving Brendan.

Probably my favorite thing was seeing the wildlife! We decided to go up to Teton village and take the tram. On the drive up there, Brendan of course had to stop and take pictures. I usually just sat in the car and looked around, but one time Brendan came running up and told me there was a deer and I had to come see it! So I ran across the road and down where the deer was. There was another guy down there who told us there were actually 2 deer. What??? Awesome!! So we tried to get as close as we could to them. Turns out there were actually 4 deer! 2 bucks, a doe, and a baby. I was a little nervous about the big one attacking us, so we were really careful. We eventually got within about 20 yards of them. That was as close as we dared to go. It was so cool!! Anyway, we then continued our drive. We were on this little dirt road and I was determined to find another animal. I wanted to see an elk or a moose or something like that, but what we found was even better!!! We're driving and we see a whole bunch of people stopped along the road. They were all looking at something. It was a black bear! I tried my best to take a picture as we drove by. It was so close to the road, I could have stuck my hand out and touched it! Well at that point I thought my life was complete. So I was happy and we kept on driving. Not 2 minutes down the road, we see more people stopped and looking at something. Another bear!! What are the chances of that?? So we stopped and tried to get a picture, but it was kind of hidden in the trees. So we keep on driving. About 5 minutes down the road we see some people stopped and looking something. This couldn't be another bear! That just doesn't happen! Oh but it does! The honeymoon gods wanted to bless us or something. 3 bears!!!!!!! That was so cool!!!! We didn't get any good pictures of them though because we were hurried along by the park rangers. Oh man, my life is pretty much complete now. :)

One sad thing that happened was that we were supposed to go on a hot air balloon ride, but they had to cancel it because of the weather. Sad! I was nervous about it, but it still would have been cool to do. Oh well, maybe another time.

On the way home we took the back country and it was just gorgeous! God must really love us to create such a beautiful world for us to live on. We went by Bear Lake and stopped to get raspberry milkshakes at La Beaus. MMMMM!!!!!! and then drove through Logan. I really didn't want to come home, but it was pretty much the perfect honeymoon! We had a blast!!

Wedding Day

It's been over a month since we got married, so I thought it might be time to blog about it a little bit. The day before I was so stressed out! I hadn't picked out any music for the reception and couldn't decide on our first dance song. I spent the night down in Mapleton with my parents and spent the night trying to find just the right music. Well I finally found it and then I couldn't get my Ipod to connect to my computer. Luckily I have an amazing brother who was still awake and helped me figure it out. By this time it's midnight and I have to get up in 3 1/2 hours so I decided it would be smart to go to bed. But could I sleep??? Of course not!! I got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep that night. Luckily there was enough adrenaline to keep me going all day!!

So that morning my hair appointment is at 6 am and we have to stop at my apartment first because I forgot my dress. I just barely started down the road when I see a spider in my car!!!!!! I slam on the brakes, and start running down the street yelling for my mom. Luckily we are in Mapleton and it's like 4:30 in the morning so I'm not afraid of getting hit by any cars... just that I would wake up the neighbors. But I didn't really care because it is my wedding day and I need to get to my hair appointment but how am I supposed to drive when there's a spider in my car???? Oh good heavens... Eventually my mom convinced me to get in the car and drive. I couldn't see the spider again until I was getting off the freeway, but I tried really hard not to freak out and made it to my apartment without crashing.

Anyway, despite running a little bit late, and the spider fiasco, the ceremony was absolutely beautiful. It was so great being sealed to the love of my life for all eternity in the Salt Lake Temple. And it was nice that the most important part of the day was absolutely perfect and knowing that nothing else really matters. We were running kind of early by then so I took my sweet time getting ready and pampered. I was a little bit worried about my dress because the night before I tried it on and it wouldn't zip up!!! But that morning I sucked in like my life depended on it and it zipped up right away! Taking pictures was fun and I can't wait to see them. It started to rain on us a little bit so we went inside to wait it out a little, but it just got worse but we had some pictures that we still had to get. So we got an umbrella and went for a little run in the rain. I was laughing so hard the entire time. It was great!

The luncheon was absolutely perfect and so much fun to just relax. We had it at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and I don't think I would change a thing. Except maybe when my dad announced to ALL the guests that Brendan was helping me change... That was extremely embarrassing!! But it was so great to feel so much love from our friends and family.

Then we were off to the state capitol!! No time to waste! The reception was gorgeous!! I am so grateful for everyone who helped us make it perfect! I didn't have to worry about a thing! It was fun taking pictures and talking to everyone who came to support us. Then came time to cut the cake... I knew Brendan was going to shove it in my face and I told him not to get it in my hair, on my dress, or ruin my makeup. So we cut the cake and as I bite down to eat the cake a few thoughts are running through my mind: "Why isn't he shoving it in my face?" and "Hmmm... this cake is kind of hard... I should bite down harder." Next thing I know, Brendan has this horrible look of pain on his face and is dropping the cake down my dress. I then realized that the hard thing that I just bit was not cake... it was Brendan's finger!!! Hahahahaha Oh man! I just bit him hard!! It was so funny for me... not so funny for him. It still makes me laugh just thinking about it. During the bouquet toss I attempted to secretly throw it to my little sister since she just needs to marry Steve already, but did she even try to catch it?? Of course not, she ran away from it. Oh Munchie... she's so funny. Brendan's favorite part of the night was the dancing. After the daddy/daughter dance and our first dance, we danced with all the nieces and nephews. It was a lot of fun!! My niece's favorite thing was when I sat down and she spun me around. It was really cute. I seriously could not have asked for a better wedding day. Brendan and I were so happy with how it turned out. All I wanted was to feel like a princess. Mission accomplished.

Right before the biting of the finger

YAY!!! We're married!!!!

The bouquet toss

I love this man!!!

Planning, Planning, and More Planning!

I knew that planning a wedding was a lot of work, but I didn't realize just how much work it really was! I am constantly working on wedding stuff. Somethings are more fun than others, but this only happens once so I'm trying to enjoy it.

The most stressful things for me so far have been the registry and the invitations. Deciding what I want was so hard!! I hope I made some good decisions. And I will be able to relax a little bit once the invitations have been sent out... Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later!!

The fun things for me have been picking out my gorgeous wedding dress! Seriously, it's absolutely perfect!! I've also had so much fun finding an apartment for us to live in. It was really stressful at first because we couldn't find anything, but we found the cutest little apartment and I am so excited about it!! I told Brendan last night that I am so excited to make it our cute little home. He moves in this weekend and I cannot wait! I am also in love with our engagement pictures! Cutest couple ever award! I was really stressed about them but they are everything I have ever dreamed of and more. Another fun thing for me has been where we're going to have our reception. It is going to be at the State Capitol in the rotunda. Can you say perfection??? I am going to have my dream wedding. No doubt about that. Of course the thing I'm most excited about is being sealed together in the temple. If that was the only thing we had, I would be the happiest girl in the world. I am so excited to be with my best friend forever and to see where this journey will take us.

So that's what I've been doing all summer. It has been an incredible experience so far. Only 38 more days to go!! I'm going to try to make the most of them.